Just like everyone thinks they are smart and open-minded, most people think they are good listeners. However, people in the Western world are increasingly feeling lonely, so I’d say that is pretty decent evidence that in general, we are pretty bad listeners. Thus, chances are that we’re not so good at listening as we might think.

Most people don’t listen at a very deep level. This is partly due to the pace of living in modern-day society. People just don’t have the time, energy, or attention to truly listen to someone. We are so busy that our minds are constantly occupied and we’re easily distracted.

Instead of really listening, we start thinking of what we’ll say next or start thinking about our to-do list.

Before I go into what we can do to become better listeners, I will first make a distinction between various forms of listening, and the type of listening I will be focussing on in this article is one that leads to deep connections and making people feel heard and understood.

There are various theories on how many levels of listening there are, but for the sake of simplicity, I’ll distinguish between two levels of listening here: egocentric listening and empathic listening.

Two levels of listening

1) Egocentric listening

As the name might suggest, ‘egocentric listening’ is the level wherein our awareness is primarily on ourselves. We do listen to the words of the other person, but our attention is on what it means to us personally. This type of listening informs us about ourselves and what’s going on around us.

However, when listening at this level, you don’t really care about what the other person thinks or feels; we’re only asking our self the question ‘What does what the other person says mean to me?’. At level 1 it is all about me: my thoughts, my judgments, my feelings, and my conclusions about myself and others.

For example, when someone is telling us a story, we look for a comparable story, or better; one that is slightly more dramatic. ‘you think THAT was scary? Let me tell you about the time I …’. We get caught up in our own feelings and how we relate to what the other person is saying and thus listen at a superficial level.

There is a time and place when level 1 listening is entirely appropriate. One example of this is when you are learning and gathering information. When you are sitting in a classroom, it’s perfectly fine to relate everything that the teacher is saying back to yourself. You’re not there to get to know the teacher; you are there to gather information and learn, so it is completely justified to be egocentric in this case.

However, when you are deeply trying to connect with another person, level 1 listening just won’t do and you will need to step it up a notch.

2) Empathic listening

At this level, your awareness is completely on the other person. You don’t just listen to the words they say and relate it back to yourself; you listen for their expressions, their emotions, everything they bring.

You listen for their unique way of looking at the world, what they value, what their vision is. You not only hear the other speak, but notice all that is coming to you in the form of information – the tone of voice, body language, the pace they speak at and the feelings they express.

The internal mind chatter is silenced when listening at level 2. Thoughts like ‘hmmm … I wonder what’s for dinner tonight’ or ‘did I turn the stove off when leaving the house’ will no longer distract you from the conversation you are having in that moment.

By the way, don’t kid yourself and think you can pretend you are listening while internal mind chatter like that is going on. People will notice that you are not truly listening. The best way to remedy this and train silencing the internal mind chatter is through practising meditation.

When the internal mind chatter is silent and you are truly listening, the message you are sending to the other person is the following: ‘I have time for you and you are the only thing that matters to me in this moment.’

The first time I experienced having someone listen to me like this was mind-blowing. I was at the Vagabond Temple in Cambodia and at one point I stopped one of the teachers to ask him a question. As soon as Kobi started listening to me, I felt like I was the only thing that mattered to him in that moment. The feeling was so strong, that bombs could go off right next to us and he wouldn’t flinch and keep his attention on me; or at least, that’s what it felt like.

This was such a special feeling that since then I’ve made it one of my goals to become a great listener. You should definitely check out Vagabond Temple by the way, it is an amazing place to connect with a beautiful community, explore your inner world, and learn about yoga & meditation.

So, in short, the idea of empathic listening is to create a relationship that lends itself to connection, growth, change, and personal development.

Now let’s see what is needed to be a great empathic listener…

7 Steps to becoming a better listener

Step 1: be real

You can’t put on any masks when listening on this level. In order to listen in a way that makes the other person feel comfortable and willing to be vulnerable, you need to be comfortable and open yourself.

In order to do this, you need to let go of expectations and prejudices. If you feel pressure to impress the other person, for example, you’ll be thinking about what to say next instead of listening. If you’re cool with who you are and with being in this situation, it will be much easier for the other person to be comfortable too.

Part of this is being comfortable with extended silences. If you feel the need to fill up the silence with meaningless ramblings, that’s a pretty good indication that you’re either not comfortable with who you are, or not comfortable with the situation you are in.

It’s okay though if discomfort or insecurities come up. One way to remedy this is to actually address this with the other person and be open about it. For example, remarking that the silence is awkward and talking about it often immediately removes the awkwardness. Just BE REAL and BE HONEST.

What not to do: Put on a mask. Try to make yourself appear like something you are not by putting on a mask. Force yourself to make jokes or have a certain presence in the conversation.

Step 2: be present

Being present is crucial to listening deeply. If your focus is not completely in the now with the other person, it will inhibit deep listening and stop you from creating a true connection. If your mind wanders to your to-do list or what’s for lunch then you know you need to refocus and pull yourself back to the present moment.

Staying focused and present is harder than it sounds. To increase your chances of consistently doing this effectively, I suggest you pick up the practice of meditation. In meditation, you train yourself to have control over your awareness by picking a focus point and constantly returning your awareness to that point when you get distracted. Focus points that are often used are the breath, an object like a candle, or a mantra.

What not to do: let yourself get distracted by your own mind.

Step 3: ask questions

The problem with level 1 listening is that you only use the words of the other person as inspiration for yourself to start talking; at this level, you rarely ask questions. When you want to listen on a deep level, curiosity is a must.

Ask questions, ask why the other person thinks the way he or she does, ask how the other person feels about the matters they are describing. Try to figure out what makes the other person tick and what their values are.

What might help fuel your curiosity is to take up the attitude that you can always learn something from the other person, even if you think you are more intelligent or know more than them. Everyone on this planet has unique ideas and knows something that you don’t. Try to figure out how they see life and maybe you will learn something!

What not to do: Ask the wrong questions or not ask any questions at all.

Step 4: empathy and acceptance

In order to connect with the other person, it is required that you listen with respect, feeling deeply with the other. Try to see things the way the other person sees things. Try to show in your response that you are getting her point and that you understand her feelings. Of course, you might feel that you do not understand the other person and even if you think you do, maybe you don’t.

In any case, reflect back what you heard and ask if this is the right interpretation. If it is not, the other person will let you know and reframe it in a different and more detailed way. This will not only make it clearer to you, but it will also help the other person understand herself better. By talking about it and trying to word it in a more detailed way, she is stimulated to reflect on what she really did mean and how to communicate it effectively.

This will lead to a relationship in which the other person will open up and show you what is underneath the surface of her words.

What not to do:  judge and evaluate the other person.

Step 5: eye contact

It is said that the eyes are ‘the window to the soul’. In a way, I think this is definitely true. Try looking someone in the eye for a minute without talking. Even though you’re not saying anything to each other, you will still learn something about the other. Words aren’t the only way to communicate and the eyes can say a lot.

Furthermore, creating eye contact immediately deepens the connection because it creates a bubble around you and the other person. It is much easier to focus and be present with each other when you are holding strong eye contact.

When you don’t look someone in the eyes it makes it seem that you aren’t really engaged and interested. This will create a barrier for the other person to truly open up, cause what’s the point if the other person isn’t interested? Practice strong eye contact. If you’re not used to it, it might be a little awkward at first but it will be worth the temporary discomfort if you stick with it because it will drastically improve your relationships.

What not to do: let yourself get distracted and constantly break eye contact by looking around the room or over the other person’s shoulder.

Step 6: listen between the lines

I often observe the phenomenon that people take everything literally in conversations. They only listen to the words and don’t listen to what is actually going on behind the words.

An example: a woman comes home to her husband and notices that the kitchen is cluttered with dirty dishes. She gets frustrated and says ‘Gosh you never do anything around the house, do you?!?’. The husband responds by saying ‘What do you mean? I put the thrash outside yesterday and cleaned the windows last week, why are you always nagging at me?!?’

The problem here is that the husband is taking her words literally. Obviously it is not the case that he does nothing around the house, that’s not the point. There’s an underlying feeling she is trying to communicate. It could be the case that she doesn’t feel supported by him, for example. Don’t just listen to words, try to listen between the lines and figure out what is really going on by trying to understand through asking questions.

Furthermore, listen to the whole being of the person: tone of voice, facial expressions, body language. Paying attention to all this will make you significantly better at listening. 

What not to do: only listen to words and take everything literally.

Step 7: make no assumptions

Don’t assume you know what the other person will say. Even if you know the other person very well, make no assumptions because it will actually cause you to not listen properly.

This often happens between loved ones. You might think you know your spouse well enough to know what they are going to say, and therefore not listen to them anymore. This could also happen between a parent and a child, or even when you stereotype someone.

Instead of making assumptions, be curious, cause in reality, you don’t know the other person as well as you think you do. Habits, beliefs, and attitudes can shift regularly, so assuming that your spouse is still the same person as when you met is a big mistake.

Instead of assuming you know someone and holding on to the image you have of someone, stay curious and keep the conversation going by exploring how the other person is evolving. If you don’t do this, it can lead to misunderstandings, disappointment, and loneliness within relationships.

What not to do: assume you know what the other person will say.

I invite you to use these ideas and observe how people are communicating. It might surprise you how normal it has become to listen superficially and how rare it has become to truly be listened to.

Truly listening and making someone feel heard and understood is one of the most valuable gifts you can give to another person, so go ahead and give these ideas a go!